71 Delightful Quotes from The Happiness Trap by Russ Harris
The Happiness Trap is a must read for those who are suffering from depression
or think that their life holds no meaning. I learnt a ton from this book.
Here are the quotes I love:
''Our minds did not evolve to make us feel good, so we could
tell great jokes, write sonnets and say ‘I love you’. Our minds evolved to help
us survive in a world fraught with danger. Imagine that you’re an early human
hunter-gatherer. What are your essential needs in order to survive and reproduce?
There are four of them: food, water, shelter and sex, but none of these things
mean much if you’re dead. So the number one priority of the primitive human
mind was to look out for anything that might harm you and avoid it! In essence,
the primitive mind was a ‘Don’t get killed’ device, and it proved enormously
useful. The better our ancestors became at anticipating and avoiding danger,
the longer they lived and the more children they had.''
''With each generation the human mind became increasingly
skilled at predicting and avoiding danger. And now, after a hundred thousand
years of evolution, the modern mind is still constantly on the lookout for
trouble. It assesses and judges almost everything we encounter: Is this good or
bad? Safe or dangerous? Harmful or helpful? These days, though, it’s not
sabre-toothed cats or 200 kilogram wolves that our mind warns us about. Instead
it’s losing our job, being rejected, getting a speeding ticket, not being able
to pay the bills, embarrassing ourselves in public, upsetting our loved ones,
getting cancer, or any of a million and one other common worries. As a result
we spend a lot of time worrying about things that, more often than not, never
happen.''
''A hundred thousand years ago we had only the few members of
our immediate clan to compare ourselves with. But these days we can open any
newspaper or magazine,switch on any
television, tune in to any radio, and instantly find a whole host of people who
are smarter, richer, taller, slimmer, sexier, stronger, more powerful, more
famous, more successful, or more admired than we are. What’s the fastest way to
make a teenage girl depressed? Show her a fashion magazine. When she compares
herself to all those air-brushed, collagen-enhanced, digitally altered
supermodels, she is guaranteed to feel inferior or downright unattractive.''
''Our modern mind continually looks for more: more money, more
status, more love, more
job satisfaction, a newer car, a younger-looking body, a
younger-looking partner, a bigger house.And if we succeed, if we actually get
more money or a newer car or a better job, then we’re satisfied— for a while. But
sooner or later (and usually sooner), we end up wanting more.''
''Evolution has shaped our minds so that we are almost
inevitably destined to suffer
psychologically: to compare, evaluate and criticise
ourselves; to focus on what we’re lacking; to be dissatisfied with what we
have; and to imagine all sorts of frightening scenarios, most of which will never
happen. No wonder humans find it hard to be happy! ''
''The reality is, life involves pain. There’s no getting away
from it. As human beings we are all faced with the fact that sooner or later we
will grow infirm, get sick and die. Sooner or later we all will lose valued
relationships through rejection, separation or death. Sooner or later we all
will come face-to-face with a crisis, disappointment and failure. This means
that in one form or another, we are all going to experience painful thoughts
and feelings.The good news is that, although we can’t avoid such pain, we can
learn to handle it much better—to make room for it, rise above it and create a
life worth living.''
''We love happy endings because society tells us that’s how
life should be: all joy and fun, all peace and contentment, living happily ever
after. But does that sound realistic? Does it fit in with your experience of
life? This is one of four major myths that make up the basic blueprint for the
happiness trap.''
''Our culture insists that humans are naturally happy. But the
statistics quoted….clearly disprove this. Remember, one in ten adults will
attempt suicide, and one in five will suffer from depression. What’s more, the
statistical probability that you will suffer from a psychiatric disorder at
some stage in your life is almost 30 per cent! Not exactly great odds, are
they?''
''Western society assumes that mental suffering is abnormal.
It is seen as a weakness or illness, a product of a mind that is somehow faulty
or defective. This means that when we do inevitably experience painful thoughts
and feelings, we often criticise ourselves for being weak or stupid. Health
professionals contribute to this process by readily slapping on labels such as,
‘You’re depressed’, and these labels merely confirm how defective we are.''
''We live in a feel-good society, a culture thoroughly
obsessed with finding happiness. And what does that society tell us to do? To
eliminate ‘negative’ feelings and accumulate ‘positive’ ones in their place.
It’s a nice theory and on the surface it seems to make sense. After all, who
wants to have unpleasant feelings? But here’s the catch: the things we
generally value most in life bring with them a whole range of feelings, both
pleasant and unpleasant. For example, in an intimate long-term relationship,
although you will experience wonderful feelings such as love and joy, you will
also inevitably experience disappointment and frustration. There is no such
thing as the perfect partner and sooner or later conflicts of interest will happen.''
''I’m willing to bet that you’ve already tried countless times
to think more positively about things and yet those negative thoughts keep
coming back again and again….our minds have evolved over a hundred thousand
years to think the way they do, so it’s not likely
that a few positive thoughts or affirmations will change
them all that much! It’s not that these techniques have no effect;
they can often make you feel better temporarily. But they will not get rid of
negative thoughts over the long term.''
''You’ve probably also discovered that as your level of
distress increases, your ability to control your feelings progressively
lessens. Sadly, Myth…[You
Should Be Able To Control What You Think And Feel]is so widely believed that we tend to feel inadequate when
our attempts to control our thoughts and feelings fail.''
''Now consider this hypothetical scenario for a moment.
Suppose someone put a loaded gun to your head and told you that you must not feel afraid; that if you should feel even the slightest trace of anxiety,
they will shoot you. Could you stop yourself feeling anxious in this situation,
even though your life depended on it? (Sure you could try to act calm, but
could you truly feel it?)''
''Men are much worse than women at admitting their deepest concerns
because men are taught to be stoic: to bottle up their feelings and hide them.
After all, big boys don’t cry. In contrast, women learn to share and discuss
their feelings from a young age.Nonetheless, many women are reluctant to tell
even their closest friends that they are feeling depressed or anxious or not
coping in some way, for fear of being judged weak or silly. Our silence
about what we are really feeling and the false front we put
on for the people around us simply add to the powerful illusion of control.''
''Maybe you’re suffering from depression or anxiety, or you
could just be bored with life or feel that it lacks any meaning.Whatever the
problem is, it undoubtedly gives rise to unpleasant thoughts and feelings—and
you’ve probably spent a lot of time and effort trying to escape them or blot
them out. But suppose those attempts to get rid of your bad thoughts and
feelings are actually lowering the quality of your life?
In ACT we have a saying for this: ‘The solution is the
problem!’ ''
''To varying degrees, every one of us uses control strategies.
I mean, who wouldn’t prefer to do without some of the less enjoyable thoughts
and feelings that crop up from time to time? And as we’ve seen, used in
moderation, such attempts at control are no big deal. For instance, when I’m
feeling particularly anxious, I sometimes eat a bar of chocolate or some
biscuits. This is basically a form of distraction; an attempt to avoid some
unpleasant feeling by focusing on something else. But because I don’t do it
excessively, it doesn’t create a major problem in my life—I maintain a healthy weight,
and I don’t give myself diabetes. Now, when I was in my early twenties it was a
different story. Back then I ate a truckload of cakes and chocolates to try to
avoid my anxiety (on a bad day I could go through five whole packets of
TimTams), and as a result I became seriously overweight and developed high
blood pressure. It was exactly the same control strategy, but when I used it
excessively, it clearly had serious consequences.''
''If you love somebody deeply and you lose that
relationship—whether through death, rejection or separation—you will feel pain.
That pain is called grief. Grief is a normal emotional reaction to any
significant loss, whether a loved one, a job or a limb. There’s no way to avoid
or get rid of it—it’s just there. And, once accepted, it will pass in its own
time. Unfortunately, many of us refuse to accept grief. We will do anything
rather than feel it. We may bury ourselves in work, drink heavily, throw
ourselves into a new relationship ‘on the rebound’ or numb ourselves with
prescribed medications. But no matter how hard we try to push grief away, deep
down inside it’s still there. And eventually it will be back.''
''What do you cherish most in life? Health? Work? Family?
Friends? Religion? Sport? Nature? It’s no surprise that life is richer and more
fulfilling when we actively invest our time and energy in the things that are
most important or meaningful to us. Yet all too often our attempts to avoid
unpleasant feelings get in the way of doing what we truly value.''
''The degree of control
we have over our thoughts and feelings depends largely on how intense they
are—the less intense the feelings, the more we can control them. For instance,
if we’re just dealing with the typical everyday stresses, a simple relaxation
technique can make us feel calmer right away. However, the more troubling our
thoughts and feelings are, the less effective our attempts at control will be.
If you’re terrified, no relaxation technique known to humanity will calm you.''
''Because many of the things we avoid are not that important,
and because many of our negative thoughts and feelings are not that intense, we
find that our control strategies can often make us feel better—at least for a
little while. Unfortunately, though, they can give us a false sense of confidence;
that is, we start to believe that we have much more control than we actually
do.''
''A rich and meaningful life is created through taking action.
But not just any action. It happens through effective
action, guided by and motivated by your
values. And in particular, it happens through committed
action: action that you take again, and
again, and again, no matter how many times you fail, or go off track. So
‘committed action’ is shorthand for ‘committed, effective, valued action’.''
''The mind loves telling stories; in fact, it never stops.
…Unfortunately, a lot of these stories are really negative—stories such as,
‘I’m not good enough’, ‘I’m stupid’, ‘I’m so fat’, ‘I hate my thighs’, ‘My life is
terrible’, ‘There’s no hope for the future’,..and so on.There’s nothing
abnormal in this. Defusion allows us… [not to take these stories] seriously. We
don’t pay them much attention, and we certainly don’t waste our time and energy
trying to fight them. In ACT [acceptance and commitment therapy] we don’t try
to change, avoid or get rid of the story. We know how ineffective that is.
Instead we simply acknowledge: ‘This is a story.’ Once you’ve acknowledged a
story, that’s it—just let it be. You don’t have to challenge it or push it
away, nor do you have to give it much attention. Simply let it come and go as
it pleases, while you channel your energy into doing something you value.''
''The more pragmatic approach is to ask, ‘Is this thought helpful? Does it
help me take action to create the life I want?’ If it is helpful, then pay
attention. If it’s not, then defuse [just allow it to be there without taking
it seriously or fighting] it.''
''At this point you may be wondering, how can you tell whether
a thought is helpful or not? If you’re not sure, you can ask yourself:
• Does it help me to be the person I want to be?
• Does it help me to build the sort of relationships I’d
like?
• Does it help me to connect with what I truly value?
• Does it help me to make the most of my life as it is in
this moment?
• Does it help me to take effective action to change my life
for the better?
• Does it help me, in the long term, to create a rich, full
and meaningful life?
If the answer to any of these questions is yes, then the
thought is helpful. If the answer to all of them is no, then it’s probably not
helpful.''
''The fact is, we don’t
choose most of the thoughts in our head. We do choose a small number of them,
when we’re actively planning or mentally rehearsing or being creative, but most
of the thoughts in our head just ‘show up’ of their own accord. We have many
thousands of useless or unhelpful thoughts every day. And no matter how harsh,
cruel, silly, vindictive, critical, frightening or downright weird they may
be,we can’t prevent them from popping up. But just because they appear doesn’t
mean we have to take them seriously.''
''Thoughts are not a problem as long as I see them for what
they really are:just a few words that popped into my head. Basically, the
more tuned in you are to your direct experience of life (rather than to your
mind’s running commentary), the more empowered you are to take your life in the
direction you truly want.''
''The struggle to get
rid of unwanted thoughts and feelings… is a battle that can never be won
and it consumes a huge amount of time and energy.''
''Acceptance does not mean ‘putting up with’ or resigning
yourself to anything. Acceptance is about embracing life, not merely tolerating
it. Acceptance literally means ‘taking what is offered’. It doesn’t mean giving
up or admitting defeat; it doesn’t mean just gritting your teeth and bearing
it. It means fully opening yourself to your present reality—acknowledging how
it is, right here and now,and letting go of the struggle with life as it is in
this moment.''
''The core philosophy of ACT is neatly encapsulated in the Serenity
Challenge:
Develop the courage to solve those problems that can
be solved, the serenity to accept those problems that can’t be solved, and the
wisdom to know the difference.''
''The aim is to accept your thoughts, not to get rid of
them.And remember, you don’t have to like a thought in order to accept it. You
can accept it purely out of pragmatism: the thought is already there whether
you like it or not, and struggling with it just takes up your time and energy
without any long-term benefit. Acceptance frees up your energy for
life-enhancing activities.''
''Remember, defusion is all about acceptance. The idea is not
to get rid of these images but to let go of struggling with them. Why should
you accept them? Because the reality is, for the rest of your life, in one form
or another, scary pictures will appear. Remember, your mind evolved from a
‘don’t get killed’ device. It saved your ancestors’ hides by sending them
warnings: an image of a bear sleeping in the back of that cave, or of a hungry
sabre-toothed tiger crouched on that rock. So after a hundred thousand years of
evolution, your mind is not suddenly going to say, ‘Oh, hang on a minute. All
the wolves and bears have disappeared now—I don’t need to keep sending out
these warnings anymore.’ Sorry, but minds don’t work like that.''
''Take a few moments to think about the changes you’d like to
make in your life. Ask yourself:
1. How would I act differently if painful thoughts and
feelings were no longer an obstacle?
2. What projects or activities would I start (or continue)
if my time and energy weren’t consumed
by troublesome emotions?
3. What would I do if fear were no longer an issue?
4. What would I attempt if thoughts of failure didn’t deter
me?''
''When we’re feeling strong emotions we may do all sorts of
things we later regret. We may smash things, shout, abuse people, drink
excessively or engage in any number of destructive behaviors. And it seems as if the
emotion were causing us to do this. But actually, it’s not. We’re only acting
this way because we’ve developed bad habits. But if we consciously bring our
awareness to how we are feeling, and consciously
observe how we’re behaving, then no
matter how intense our emotions are, we can still control our actions. Even
when you’re furious or terrified, you can stand up or sit down, close your mouth, drink a glass of water, answer the
telephone, go to the toilet or scratch your head. You can’t
stop yourself from feeling angry or afraid, but you certainly can
control
how you behave.''
''The problem is, our society perpetuates the myth that
emotions control our behaviour. For example,we talk about being ‘driven by
fear’, ‘seized by anger’ or ‘overwhelmed by guilt’. We justify our behaviour by
saying things like, ‘I was so angry, I couldn’t help it!’ or ‘I was too
depressed to do anything.’ And we use expressions like, ‘My fear got the better
of me’ or ‘My anger took over.’ So when we grow up hearing people talk this
way, we readily come to believe that our emotions control us—and it’s a
powerful illusion to shake.''
''So whenever we perceive a threat, the fight-or-flight
response immediately activates. In prehistoric times, this response was
lifesaving. When a woolly mammoth charged you, if you couldn’t escape,your only
hope was to kill it or at least fight it off. However, in this modern age, most
of us rarely find ourselves in life-threatening predicaments, and the
fight-or-flight response is often triggered in situations where it is of little
or no use to us.''
''Without struggle, what we get is a natural level of physical
and emotional discomfort, depending on who we are and the situation we’re in.
In ACT[acceptance and commitment therapy], we call this ‘clean discomfort’.
There’s no avoiding ‘clean discomfort’; life serves it up to all of us in one
way or another. But once we start struggling with it, our discomfort levels
increase rapidly. And all that additional suffering, we call ‘dirty discomfort’.Our struggle switch is like an emotional
amplifier—switch it ON and we can have anger about our anxiety, anxiety about our anger, depression
about our depression, or guilt about our guilt. We could even have guilt about
our anger about our anxiety—and then depression about that! But it doesn’t stop
there. With our struggle switch ON, we are completely unwilling to accept the presence
of these uncomfortable feelings, which means, not only do we get emotionally
distressed by them, we also do whatever we can to get rid of them, or distract
ourselves from them. For some people, this means turning to drugs or alcohol,
which then leads to addictions, relationship issues and a whole host of other
messy problems. Others may turn to food as a distraction, which can then lead to obesity or eating disorders. Humans
find an almost infinite number of ways to try to avoid or get rid of unpleasant
feelings: from smoking and sex, to shopping and surfing the Internet…, most of
these control strategies are no big deal, as long as they’re used in
moderation, but any of them is problematic if used excessively.''
''If you judge an
emotion as ‘good’, you’ll probably try hard to get more of it; and if you judge
it as ‘bad’, you’re apt to
try even harder to get rid of it. Thus, judging sets you up for a struggle with your feelings.In ACT we encourage
you to let go of judging your feelings altogether and to see them for what they are: a stream of
constantly changing sensations and urges, continuously passing through your body. Just because
some of these sensations and urges are uncomfortable doesn’t mean they’re ‘bad’.''
'' ‘WHY AM I
FEELING LIKE THIS?’
This question sets you up to run through all your problems
one by one, seeing if you can pinpoint what caused your feelings. Naturally,
this just makes you feel worse, because it creates the illusion that your life
is nothing but problems. It also leads to a lot of time lost in unpleasant
thoughts. (And does this process help you in any practical way? Does it help
you take action to change your life for the better?)''.
'' ‘WHAT HAVE I DONE TO DESERVE THIS?’
This question sets
you up for self-blame. You rehash all the ‘bad’ things you’ve done, so you can
figure out why the universe decided to punish you. As a result, you end up
feeling worthless,useless, ‘bad’ or inadequate. (And again, does this help you
in any practical way?) ''
'' ‘WHY AM I LIKE THIS?’
This question leads you to search through your entire life
history looking for the reasons why you are the way you are. Frequently this
leads to feelings of anger, resentment and hopelessness. And it very often ends
in blaming your parents. (And does this help you in any practical way?)''
This is another great question for setting you up to spend
hours sifting through all your faults, flaws and defects. (And how do you
usually feel as a result?)''
'' ‘I CAN’T HANDLE IT!’
Variations on this theme include ‘I can’t stand it’, ‘I
can’t cope’, ‘It’s too overwhelming’, ‘I can’t take it anymore’, ‘I’m going to
have a nervous breakdown’, and so on. Your mind is basically feeding you the
story that you’re too weak to handle this, and something bad is going to happen
if you keep feeling this way. (And is this a helpful story to pay attention
to?)''
'' ‘I SHOULDN’T FEEL LIKE THIS.’
This is a classic! Here your mind picks an argument with
reality. The reality is this: the way you are feeling right now is the way you
are feeling. But your mind says, ‘Reality is wrong! It’s not supposed to be
this way! Stop it! Give me the reality I want!’ (And is this effective? Does it
change anything? Can you ever win an argument with reality?)''
'' ‘I WISH I DIDN’T FEEL LIKE THIS!’
Wishful thinking: one of the mind’s favourite pastimes. (‘I
wish I felt more confident.’ ‘I wish I didn’t feel so anxious.’) This can keep
us wrapped up in second-guessing ourselves for hours, imagining how our lives
could be so much better if only we felt differently. (And does this help us
deal with the life we have now?)''
''Sometimes when I tell people that their emotions can’t hurt
them, they mention the research which shows that chronic anger and depression
can have bad effects on your physical health. However, the key word here is
‘chronic’, which means ongoing, over a long period of time. Painful emotions become
chronic only when you struggle with them. Once you stop struggling, they are
free to move and they generally do so fairly quickly (although not always). So
when you respond to your emotions with acceptance, they don’t become chronic,
and therefore they don’t hurt you.Acceptance breaks the vicious cycle of
struggle and frees you to invest your time and energy in life enhancing activities.''
''I’m going to ask you
to sit with your emotions and
experience them fully, without struggling.''
''Although this sadness
is painful, it’s an important part of you. It’s directly connected to your
ability to love deeply….So the question is, are you willing to make room for
it? To let this sadness be there, without running from it? ''
''Actions are important because, unlike your thoughts and
feelings, you can have direct control over them. Values are important because
they can guide you and motivate you through situations where your feelings
might lead you off course. Acting in accordance with your own deepest values is
inherently satisfying and fulfilling—even though it often forces you to face
your fears.''
''Pleasant feelings
such as satisfaction, joy and love are natural byproducts of living by your
values.But they aren’t the only ones. Other byproducts include uncomfortable
emotions such as fear,sadness, anger, frustration and disappointment. You can’t
have just the pleasant feelings without all the others. That’s why it’s
important to learn how to accept all your feelings—pleasant, neutral and unpleasant.''
''I’m sure you’ve had plenty of great advice from all sorts of
sources about helpful activities to try when you’re feeling ‘bad’. And most of
these activities can be deeply satisfying—as long as you genuinely value them;
that is, as long as you engage in them out of a sense that they are truly
meaningful to you. But if you do these activities mainly to run away from
unpleasant feelings, they aren’t likely to be all that rewarding—it’s hard to appreciate life when you’re on the run from
something threatening.Therefore, in ACT, acceptance always comes first. First you
make room for your feelings and allow them to be exactly as they are. Then you ask,
‘What can I do right now that is truly meaningful
or important?’ This is very different
from asking, ‘ How can I feel better?’ Then, once you’ve identified an activity you truly value, go ahead and
take action.''
''You can deal with an urge in one of two ways: act upon it or
not act upon it.Therefore, once you are aware of a strong urge, you need to
ask yourself: If I act on this urge, will I be acting like the person I want to
be? Will it help take my life in the direction I want to go?If the answer to
either of these questions is yes, then it makes sense to act on that urge. For
instance,if you’ve been nasty to someone and you’re feeling guilty about it,
you may have an urge to apologise. If this is consistent with who you want to
be and what you want to stand for, then it’s sensible to go ahead and
apologise.On the other hand, let’s suppose you’ve been mean to someone
and you’re still feeling a lot of resentment toward them. In this case, rather
than the urge to apologise, you may feel the urge to write them a nasty letter
or say spiteful things about them to others. If this isn’t consistent with who you
want to be or how you want to live your life, then it’s sensible not to act on
it.''
''ACT:
Accept your internal experience.
Choose a valued direction.
Take action.''
''This is the only life you’ve got, so make the most of it.
If you’re only half present, you’re missing out. It’s like watching your favourite movie with
sunglasses on, listening to your favourite music wearing earplugs or eating your favourite
food while your mouth’s still numb from a dentist’s needle. To truly appreciate the richness
and fullness of life, you have to be here while it’s happening! ''
''As Leo Tolstoy put it, ‘There is only one time that is important: NOW! It is the most important
time because it is the only time when we have any power.’ To create a
meaningful life, we need to take action. And the power to act exists only in
this moment. The past has already happened and the future doesn’t exist yet, so
we can only ever take action here and now.''
''self-esteem is an opinion that you hold about what sort of
person you are. High self-esteem is a positive opinion; low self-esteem is a
negative one.So there you have it. Self-esteem is a bunch of thoughts
about what sort of person you are. And here’s the key thing: self-esteem is not
a fact; it’s just an opinion.
That’s right, it’s not the truth; it’s just
an opinion—nothing more than a highly subjective judgement, made by your
thinking self.‘Fair enough,’ you might say, ‘but isn’t it important to have a
good opinion of yourself?’ Well, not necessarily. First let’s consider what an
opinion is: it’s a story, nothing more than words.Second, it’s a judgement, not
a factual description.''
''Life involves hard work. All meaningful projects require
effort, whether you’re raising kids,
renovating your house, learning kung fu or starting your own
business. These things are
challenging. Unfortunately, all too often, when faced with a
challenge we think, ‘It’s too hard’ and we give up or avoid it. That’s where
our values come in.Connecting with our values gives us a sense that our hard
work is worth the effort. For instance,… If we value our health, we’re willing
to exercise on a regular basis despite the inconvenience and exertion. In this way,
values act as motivators. We may not feel like exercising, but valuing our
health can give us the will to ‘just do it!’.''
• I spent too much time worrying about...
• I spent too little time doing things such as...
• If I could go back in time, I would...
How did it go? For many people this simple exercise is quite
an eye-opener. It often points to a big difference between what we value doing and
what we are actually doing.''
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