65 Eye-opening Quotes from Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft

Why Does He Do That?  is a must read for every girl stepping into the dating world. The book will help you recognize red flags of an abusive man. If you have a teenage daughter make sure she reads it.

This book is not just for those in their teens or early twenties, it also for  women who feel devalued or depressed in their relationships.This book will be your lifeline if you want to understand and end abusive relationship.

Told in a humorous way, the book does not get boring even for a few minutes. I thoroughly enjoyed reading it. I wish every woman would read this book.

Here are the quotes that I like:

''Abuse of women in relationships touches an unimaginable number of lives. Even if we leave aside cases of purely verbal and mental abuse and just look at physical violence, the statistics are shocking:2 to 4 million women are assaulted by their partners per year in the United States. The U.S. Surgeon General has declared that attacks by male partners are the number one cause of injury to women between the ages of fifteen and forty-four…Government statistics indicate that 1,500 to 2,000 women are murdered by partners and ex-partners per year, comprising more than one-third of all female homicide victims, and that these homicides almost always follow a history of violence, threats, or stalking.''

― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men 

''The abuser’s mood changes are especially perplexing. He can be a different person from day to day, or even from hour to hour. At times he is aggressive and intimidating, his tone harsh, insults spewing from his mouth, ridicule dripping from him like oil from a drum. When he’s in this mode,nothing she says seems to have any impact on him, except to make him even angrier. Her side of the argument counts for nothing in his eyes, and everything is her fault. He twists her words around so that she always ends up on the defensive.''
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men 

''Like anyone with a serious problem, abusers work hard to keep their true selves hidden.Part of how the abuser escapes confronting himself is by convincing you that you are the cause of his behavior, or that you at least share the blame. But abuse is not a product of bad relationship dynamics, and you cannot make things better by changing your own behavior or by attempting to manage your partner better. Abuse is a problem that lies entirely within the abuser.''
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men 

''Inside the abuser ’s mind, there is a world of beliefs, perceptions, and responses that fits together in a surprisingly logical way. His behavior does make sense. Underneath the facade of irrationality and explosiveness, there is a human being with a comprehensible—and solvable—problem. But he doesn’t want you to figure him out.The abuser creates confusion because he has to.''
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men 

''The mythology about abusive men that runs through modern culture has been created largely by the abusers themselves. Abusive men concoct explanations for their actions which they give to their partners, therapists, clergypeople, relatives, and social researchers. But it is a serious error to allow abusers to analyze and account for their own problems. Would we ask an active alcoholic to tell us why he or she drinks, and then accept the explanation unquestioningly?''
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men 

''An abusive man may embellish his childhood suffering once he discovers that it helps him escape responsibility… I am not saying that you should be unsympathetic to your partner ’s childhood suffering. An abusive man deserves the same compassion that a non-abusive man does, neither more nor less. But a non-abusive man doesn’t use his past as an excuse to mistreat you. Feeling sorry for your partner can be a trap, making you feel guilty for standing up to his abusiveness.''
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men 

''Whether he presents himself as the victim of an ex-partner, or of his parents, the abuser ’s aim—though perhaps unconscious—is to play on your compassion, so that he can avoid dealing with his problem.''
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men 

''I have known many couples over the years who had passion and electricity between them and who treated each other well. But unfortunately there is wide acceptance in our society of the unhealthy notion that passion and aggression are interwoven and that cruel verbal exchanges and bomb-like explosions are the price you pay for a relationship that is exciting, deep, and sexy.''
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men 

''If a man routinely intimidates people, watch out. Sooner or later, he will turn his intimidation on you. At first it may make you feel safe to be with a man who frightens people, but not when your turn comes.''

― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men 

''The abuser ’s problem lies above all in his belief that controlling or abusing his female partner is justifiable.''

― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men 

''A man whose destructive behaviors are confined primarily or entirely to intimate relationships is an abuser, not a psychiatric patient.''

― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men 

 ''When you try to improve an abuser ’s feelings about himself, his problem actually tends to get worse. An abusive man expects catering, and the more positive attention he receives, the more he demands. He never reaches a point where he is satisfied, where he has been given enough. Rather, he gets used to the luxurious treatment he is receiving and soon escalates his demands.''
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men 

''The more power these [abusive] men have in their jobs, the more catering and submission they expect at home.''
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men 

''An abusive man is not unable to resolve conflicts nonabusively; he is unwilling to do so.''

― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men 

''Do we see men whose progress in school or in their careers grinds to a halt because of the constant criticism and undermining? Where are the men whose partners are forcing them to have unwanted sex? Where are the men who are fleeing to shelters in fear for their lives? How about the ones who try to get to a phone to call for help, but the women block their way or cut the line? The reason we don’t generally see these men is simple: They’re rare.''
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men 

''Unlike alcoholics or addicts, abusive men don’t ‘hit bottom.’They can continue abusing for twenty or thirty years, and their careers remain successful, their health stays normal, their friendships endure.''
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men 

''You are not 'enabling' your partner to mistreat you; he is entirely responsible for his own actions.''

― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men 

''An abusive man often considers it his right to control where his partner goes, with whom she associates, what she wears, and when she needs to be back home. He therefore feels that she should be grateful for any freedoms that he does choose to grant her.''

― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men 

''An abuser can sometimes succeed at convincing people that his partner is so irrational and out of control, that her judgment is so poor, that she has to be saved from herself.Never believe a man’s claim that he has to harm his partner in order to protect her; only abusers think this way.''
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men 

''Physical caretaking is the focus of the more traditionally minded abuser. He expects his partner to make dinner for him the way he likes it, look after the children, clean the house, and perform an endlessly continuing list of additional tasks. He sees her essentially as an unpaid servant.''
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men 

''Abusive man considers himself above criticism. If his partner attempts to raise her grievances, she is ‘nagging’ or ‘provoking’ him. He believes he should be permitted to ignore the damage his behavior is causing, and he may become retaliatory if anyone tries to get him to look at it.''

― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men 

''Abuse and respect are diametric opposites: You do not respect someone whom you abuse, and you do not abuse someone whom you respect.''

― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men 

''Few abusive men rely entirely on verbal abuse or intimidation to control their partners. Being a nonstop bully is too much work, and it makes the man look bad. If he is abusive all the time, his partner starts to recognize that she’s being abused, and the man may feel too guilty about his behavior. The abuser therefore tends to switch frequently to manipulating his partner to get what he wants.''
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men 

''Abusive men are masters of excuse making. In this respect they are like substance abusers, who believe that everyone and everything except them is responsible for their actions. When they aren’t blaming their partners, they blame stress, alcohol, their childhood, their children, their bosses, or their insecurities. More important, they feel entitled to make these excuses.''
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men 

''Possessiveness is at the core of the abuser’s mind-set, the spring from which all the other streams spout; on some level he feels that he owns you and therefore has the right to treat you as he sees fit.''
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men 

''Ironically, the most accusatory abusers are among the ones most likely to be cheating themselves; possessiveness and entitlement make the abuser feel that it is acceptable for him to have affairs, but not her.''
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men 

''Abusiveness is not a product of a man’s emotional injuries or of deficits in his skills. In reality, abuse springs from a man’s early cultural training, his key male role models, and his peer influences. In other words, abuse is a problem of values, not of psychology.''

― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men 

''You are not crazy. Trust your perceptions of how your abusive partner treats you and thinks about you.''
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men 

''Much of his [player’s] satisfaction in life comes from exploiting women and feeling like a sexual animal. Women around the Player seem to get angry at each other a lot, rather than at him, and sometimes get into physical confrontations. These tensions work out well for him, diverting attention from his infidelity and dishonesty.''

― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men 

''An abuser of any type can have days when he turns loving, attentive, and thoughtful. At these times, you may feel that his problem has finally gone away and that the relationship will return to its rosy beginning. However, abuse always comes back eventually unless the abuser has dealt with his abusiveness.''

― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men 

''Be cautious of the man who says that you are nothing like the other women he has been involved with, that you are the first partner to treat him well, or that earlier women in his life have not understood him. You will be tempted to work doubly hard to prove that you aren’t like those other women, and one foot will already be in the trap. It won’t be long before he is telling you that you are ‘just like the rest of them.’ His perceptual system ensures that no woman can be a good woman while she is involved with him.''

― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men 

''A man’s jealousy can be flattering. It feels great that he is wildly in love with you, that he wants you so badly. But a man can be crazy about you without being jealous. Possessiveness shows that he doesn’t love you as an independent human being but rather as a guarded treasure. After a while, you will feel suffocated by his constant vigilance.''

― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men 

''Adult abusers tend to put on a show of treating their partners like gold when anyone is watching, reserving most of their abuse for times when no one else will see. In teenage abusers the opposite is often true. He may be rude and cold with her in front of other people to impress his friends with how ‘in control’ and ‘cool’ he is but be somewhat nicer when they are alone together.''
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men 

''Be aware that as an abuser begins his slide into abuse, he believes that you are the one who is changing. His perceptions work this way because he feels so justified in his actions that he can’t imagine the problem might be with him. All he notices is that you don’t seem to be living up to his image of the perfect, all-giving, deferential woman.''

― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men 

''The term abuse is about power; it means that a person is taking advantage of a power imbalance to exploit or control someone else. Wherever power imbalances exist, such as between men and women, or adults and children, or between rich and poor, some people will take advantage of those circumstances for their own purposes.''

― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men 

''When you tell your partner that his yelling frightens you, for example, and he responds that he has every right to yell ‘because you’re not listening to me,’ that’s abuse.''

― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men 


''The abusive man’s ability to convince himself that his domination of you is for your own good is paralleled by the dictator who says, 'People in this country are too primitive for democracy.' ''
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men 

''Physical abuse is dangerous. Once it starts in a relationship, it can escalate over time to more serious assaults such as slapping, punching, or choking. Even if it doesn’t, so-called ‘lower-level’ physical abuse can frighten you, give your partner power over you, and start to affect your ability to manage your own life.''
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men 

''women who are raped by intimate partners suffer even deeper and longer-lasting effects than those who are raped by strangers or non-intimate acquaintances. If you have experienced sexual assault or chronic sexual pressure in your relationship, call an abuse hotline or a rape hotline, even if you don’t feel that the term rape applies to what your partner did.''

― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men 

''The longer you are with an abuser, and the more destructive he becomes, the harder it can be to extricate yourself.''
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men 

''The abuser sees an argument as war.His goal in a verbal conflict is not to negotiate different desires, understand each other ’s experiences,or think of mutually beneficial solutions. He wants only to win. Winning is measured by who talks the most, who makes the most devastating or ‘humorous’ insults (none of which is funny to his partner),and who controls the final decision that comes out of the debate. He won’t settle for anything other than victory. If he feels he has lost the argument, he may respond by making a tactical retreat and gathering his forces to strike again later.''

― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men 

''If we want abusers to change, we will have to require them to give up the luxury of exploitation. When you are left feeling hurt or confused after a confrontation with your controlling partner, ask yourself: What was he trying to get out of what he just did? What is the ultimate benefit to him? Thinking through these questions can help you clear your head and identify his tactics.''
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men 

''An abuser minimizes his behavior by comparing himself to men who are worse than he is, whom he thinks of as ‘real’ abusers. If he never threatens his partner, then to him threats define real abuse. If he only threatens but never actually hits, then real abusers are those who hit.''
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men 

''An abusive man’s good periods are an important and integrated aspect of his abuse, not something separate from it.''

― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men 

''Contrary to what some abusive men seem to believe, women do not find abuse sexy. When a woman’s partner calls her ‘bitch’ or ‘whore,’ mocks her, or physically intimidates her, the image of entwining herself intimately with him recedes far from her mind. How can you ‘make love’ after someone has just treated you in a way that feels more like hatred? Abusive men do not grasp how ugly they appear when acting cruel.''

― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men 

''If a man cheats, that is 100 percent his own responsibility. Don’t let him channel your anger toward the other woman as if he were the helpless victim of a seduction. Abusive men love to portray themselves as unable to control their hormonal urges, which is nonsense.''
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men 

''Apply the principle of ‘no third chances.’ When a man, especially an abusive one, cheats for the second time, that means that more affairs will follow, no matter what promises he may make.''

― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men 

''Many women want to have a sexually intense partner, which is fine; men don’t have to cheat to be sexy. Abusive men love to create the impression that their sexual wandering is a product of how passionate they are. But the reality is that sexual passion and faithfulness are entirely compatible. The reason he cheats is because he is a manipulator, not because he’s sexy.''
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men 

''Cartoons and jokes in pornography often insult or degrade women and their anatomy, or even make rape appear funny, feeding anti-female ways of thinking.''
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men 

''Abusive men absolutely need to be kept away from pornography, as it feeds the precise thinking that drives their abusiveness.''
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men 

''If you feel uncomfortable about sexual interactions with your partner, listen carefully to your inner voice regarding what is good for you. An abusive man will try to tell you that your discomfort is your own problem rather than a product of his coercive, disrespectful, or humiliating sexual behavior.''

― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men 

''You cannot, I am sorry to say, get an abuser to work on himself by pleading, soothing, gently leading, getting friends to persuade him, or using any other non-confrontational method. I have watched hundreds of women attempt such an approach without success. The way you can help him change is to demand that he do so, and settle for nothing less.''

― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men 

''The only time an abusive man will deal with his issues enough to become someone you can live with is when you prove to him, and to yourself, that you are capable of living without him. And once you succeed in doing so, you may very well decide that living without him is what you would rather do. ''

― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men