79 Profound Quotes from The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen R. Covey
While I was reading this book,I
was shocked at its beauty and wisdom.No one can define happiness and success better than Mr.Covey.The lessons I learned in it help lift me
up when I’m feeling down or helpless.If you often feel helpless or powerless in
your life or you want to build good relationship with others, you need to read
this book.
Here are the Quotes I love:
Here are the Quotes I love:
''Each of us has many, many maps in
our head, which can be divided into two main categories: maps of the way things
are, or realities, and maps of the way things should be, or values. We
interpret everything we experience through these mental maps. We seldom question
their accuracy; we're usually even unaware that we have them. We simply assume
that the way we see things is the way they really are or the way they should
be.''
''To try to change outward
attitudes and behaviors does very little good in the long run if we fail to examine
the basic paradigms from which those attitudes and behaviors flow.This
perception demonstration also shows how powerfully our paradigms affect the way
we interact with other people. As clearly and objectively as we think we see
things, we begin to realize that others see them differently from their own
apparently equally clear and objective point of view. ‘Where we stand depends
on where we sit.’ ''
''The more aware we are of our
basic paradigms, maps, or assumptions, and the extent to which we have been
influenced by our experience, the more we can take responsibility for those
paradigms, examine them, test them against reality, listen to others and be
open to their perceptions, thereby getting a larger picture and a far more
objective view.''
''Our Paradigms are the way we
‘see’ the world or circumstances -- not in terms of our visual sense of sight, but
in terms of perceiving, understanding, and interpreting. Paradigms are
inseparable from character. Being is seeing in the human dimension. And what we
see is highly interrelated to what we are. We can't go very far to change our seeing
without simultaneously changing our being, and vice versa.''
''Paradigms are powerful because
they create the lens through which we see the world.''
''Principles are not values. A gang
of thieves can share values, but they are in violation of the fundamental
principles we're talking about. Principles are the territory. Values are maps.
When we value correct principles, we have truth -- a knowledge of things as
they are.''
''Principles are guidelines for human conduct that are proven to have
enduring, permanent value. They're fundamental. They're essentially unarguable
because they are self-evident. One way to quickly grasp the self-evident nature
of principles is to simply consider the absurdity of attempting to live an
effective life based on their opposites.
I doubt that anyone would seriously consider unfairness, deceit,
baseness, uselessness, mediocrity, or degeneration to be a solid foundation for
lasting happiness and success.''
''what happens when we attempt to
shortcut a natural process in our growth and development? If you are only an
average tennis player but decide to play at a higher level in order to make a
better impression, what will result? Would positive thinking alone enable you
to compete effectively against a professional? What if you were to lead your
friends to believe you could play the piano at concert hall level while your
actual present skill was that of a beginner? The answers are obvious. It is
simply impossible to violate, ignore, or shortcut this development process. It
is contrary to nature, and attempting to
seek such a shortcut only results in disappointment and frustration.''
''To relate effectively with a
wife, a husband, children, friends, or working associates, we must learn to listen.
And this requires emotional strength. Listening involves patience, openness,
and the desire to understand -- highly developed qualities of character. It's
so much easier to operate from a low emotional level and to give high-level
advice.''
''There are times to teach and
times not to teach. When relationships are strained and the air charged with
emotion, an attempt to teach is often perceived as a form of judgment and
rejection. But to take the child alone, quietly, when the relationship is good
and to discuss the teaching or the value seems to have much greater impact.''
''A sense of possessing needs to
come before a sense of genuine sharing. Many people who give mechanically or
refuse to give and share in their marriages and families may never have experienced
what it means to possess themselves, their own sense of identity and
self-worth.''
''The more people are into quick fix and focus on the acute problems and
pain, the more that very approach contributes to the underlying chronic
condition.''
''If you want to have a happy marriage, be the kind of person who generates
positive energy and sidesteps negative energy rather than empowering it. If you
want to have a more pleasant, cooperative teenager, be a more understanding,
empathic,consistent, loving parent. If you want to have more freedom, more
latitude in your job, be a more responsible, a more helpful, a more
contributing employee. If you want to be trusted, be trustworthy. If you want
the secondary greatness of recognized talent, focus first on primary greatness
of character.''
''Making and keeping promises to
ourselves precedes making and keeping promises to others…. it is futile to put
personality ahead of character, to try to improve relationships with others before
improving ourselves.''
''Our character, basically, is a composite of our habits. 'Sow a
thought, reap an action; sow an action, reap a habit; sow a habit, reap a
character; sow a character, reap a destiny,' the maxim goes.Habits are
powerful factors in our lives. Because they are consistent, often unconscious patterns,
they constantly, daily, express our character and produce our effectiveness or ineffectiveness.''
''Habits..., have tremendous gravity pull -- more than most people
realize or would admit. Breaking deeply imbedded habitual tendencies such as
procrastination, impatience, criticalness, or selfishness that violate basic
principles of human effectiveness involves more than a little willpower and a
few minor changes in our lives. ‘Lift off’ takes a tremendous effort, but once
we break out of the gravity pull, our freedom takes on a whole new dimension.''
''We will define a habit as the intersection of knowledge, skill, and desire.
Knowledge is the theoretical paradigm, the what to do and the why. Skill is the
how to do. And desire is the motivation, the want to do. In order to make
something a habit in our lives, we have to have all three.''
''Dependent people need others to get what they want. Independent people
can get what they want through their own effort. Interdependent people combine
their own efforts with the efforts of others to achieve their greatest success.''
''If I were physically dependent
-- paralyzed or disabled or limited in some physical way --I would need you to
help me. If I were emotionally dependent, my sense of worth and security would
come from your opinion of me. If you didn't like me, it could be devastating.
If I were intellectually dependent, I would count on you to do my thinking for
me, to think through the issues and problems of my life.''
''If I were independent,
physically, I could pretty well make it on my own. Mentally, I could think my
own thoughts, I could move from one level of abstraction to another. I could
think creatively and analytically and organize and express my thoughts in understandable
ways. Emotionally, I would be validated from within. I would be inner directed.
My sense of worth would not be a function of being liked or treated well.''
''It's easy to see that independence is much more mature than dependence.
Independence is a major achievement in and of itself. But independence is not
supreme….much of our current emphasis on independence is a reaction to
dependence – to having others control us, define us, use us, and manipulate us.
The little understood concept of interdependence appears to many to smack of
dependence, and therefore, we find people often for selfish reasons, leaving
their marriages, abandoning their children, and forsaking all kinds of social
responsibility -- all in the name of independence.''
''Life is, by nature, highly interdependent. To try to achieve maximum
effectiveness through independence is like trying to play tennis with a golf
club -- the tool is not suited to the reality. Interdependence is a far more
mature, more advanced concept. If I am physically interdependent, I am
self-reliant and capable, but I also realize that you and I working together
can accomplish far more than, even at my best, I could accomplish alone. If I
am emotionally interdependent, I derive a great sense of worth within myself,
but I also recognize the need for love, for giving, and for receiving love from
others. If I am intellectually interdependent, I realize that I need the best
thinking of other people to join with my own.''
''When children are little, they are very dependent, very vulnerable…..
It's easy to take advantage, to manipulate, to get what you want the way you
want it -- right now! You're bigger, you're smarter, and you're right! So why
not just tell them what to do? If necessary, yell at them, intimidate them,
insist on your way.Or you can indulge them. You can go for the golden egg of
popularity, of pleasing them, giving them their way all the time. Then they
grow up without a personal commitment to being disciplined or
responsible.Either way -- authoritarian or permissive -- you have the golden
egg mentality. You want to have your way or you want to be liked. But what
happens, meantime, to the goose? What sense of responsibility, of
self-discipline, of confidence in the ability to make good choices or achieve
important goals is a child going to have a few years down the road? And what
about your relationship? When he reaches those critical teenage years, the identity crises, will
he know from his experience with you that you will listen without judging, that
you really, deeply care about him as a person, that you can be trusted, no matter
what? Will the relationship be strong enough for you to reach him, to communicate
with him, to influence him? ''
''I know of a restaurant that
served a fantastic clam chowder and was packed with customers every day at
lunchtime. Then the business was sold, and the new owner focused on golden eggs
-- he decided to water down the chowder. For about a month, with costs down and
revenues constant, profits zoomed. But little by little, the customers began to
disappear. Trust was gone, and business dwindled to almost nothing. The new owner
tried desperately to reclaim it, but he had neglected the customers, violated
their trust, and lost the asset of customer loyalty. There was no more goose to
produce the golden egg.''
''There are organizations that talk
a lot about the customer and then completely neglect the people that deal with
the customer -- the employees. …always treat your employees exactly as you want
them to treat your best customers. You can buy a person's hand, but you can't
buy his heart. His heart is where his enthusiasm, his loyalty is. You can buy
his back, but you can't buy his brain. That's where his creativity is, his
ingenuity, his resourcefulness. PC [ stands
for production capability, the ability or asset that produces the golden eggs ]
work is treating employees as volunteers
just as you treat customers as volunteers, because that's what they are. They
volunteer the best part -- their hearts and minds.''
''Effectiveness lies in the balance. Excessive focus on P[production]
results in ruined health, worn-out machines, depleted bank accounts, and broken
relationships. Too much focus on PC[production capability] is like a person who
runs for three or four hours a day, bragging about the extra 10 years of life
it creates, unaware he's spending them running. Or a person endlessly going to
school, never producing, living on other people's golden eggs ꟷ the eternal student syndrome.''
''As Marilyn Ferguson observed, 'No one can persuade another to change.
Each of us guards a gate of change that can only be opened from the inside. We cannot
open the gate of another, either by argument or by emotional appeal.' ''
''As you care less about what others think of you; you will care more
about what others think of themselves and their worlds, including their
relationship with you. You'll no longer build your emotional life on other people's
weaknesses.''
''We are not our feelings. We are not our moods. We are not even our
thoughts. The very fact that we can think about these things separates us
from them and from the animal world.''
''Within the freedom to choose are
those endowments that make us uniquely human. In addition to self-awareness, we
have imagination ꟷ the ability to create in our minds beyond our present
reality. We have conscience ꟷ a deep inner awareness of right and wrong,
of the principles that govern our behavior, and a sense of the degree to which
our thoughts and actions are in harmony with them. And we have independent will
ꟷ
the ability to act based on our self-awareness, free of all other influences.''
''As human beings, we are
responsible for our own lives. Our behavior is a function of our decisions, not
our conditions. We can subordinate feelings to values. We have the initiative
and the responsibility to make things happen.''
''Look at the word responsibility ꟷ 'response-ability' ꟷ the
ability to choose your response. Highly proactive people recognize that
responsibility. They do not blame circumstances, conditions, or conditioning
for their behavior. Their behavior is a product of their own conscious choice,
based on values, rather than a product of their conditions, based on feeling.''
''Reactive people are often affected by their physical environment. If
the weather is good, they feel good. If it isn't, it affects their attitude and
their performance. Proactive people can carry their own weather with
them.Whether it rains or shines makes no difference to them. They are value
driven; and if their value is to produce good quality work, it isn't a function
of whether the weather is conducive to it or not.''
‘’Reactive people are also
affected by their social environment, by the ‘social weather.’ When people
treat them well, they feel well; when people don't, they become defensive or
protective. Reactive people build their emotional lives around the behavior of
others,empowering the weaknesses of other people to control them.’’
‘’The ability to subordinate an
impulse to a value is the essence of the proactive person. Reactive people are
driven by feelings, by circumstances, by conditions, by their environment.
Proactive people are driven by values ꟷ carefully thought about, selected and
internalized values.’’
''It's not what happens to us, but our response to what happens to us
that hurts us. Of course, things can hurt us physically or economically and can
cause sorrow. But our character, our basic identity, does not have to be hurt
at all. In fact, our most difficult experiences become the crucibles that forge
our character and develop the internal powers, the freedom to handle difficult
circumstances in the future and to inspire others to do so as well.''
''We have all known individuals in
very difficult circumstances, perhaps with a terminal illness or a severe
physical handicap, who maintain magnificent emotional strength. How inspired we
are by their integrity! Nothing has a greater, longer lasting impression upon another
person than the awareness that someone has transcended suffering, has transcended
circumstance, and is embodying and expressing a value that inspires and ennobles
and lifts life.''
''What matters most is how we respond to what we experience in life.''
''Many people wait for something to
happen or someone to take care of them. But people who end up with the good
jobs are the proactive ones who are solutions to problems, not problems
themselves, who seize the initiative to do whatever is necessary, consistent
with correct principles, to get the job done.''
''Never say you have to do anything.''
''Proactive people focus their efforts in the Circle of Influence. They
work on the things they can do something about. The nature of their energy is
positive, enlarging and magnifying, causing their Circle of Influence to
increase. Reactive people, on the other hand, focus their efforts in the Circle
of Concern. They focus on the weakness of other people, the problems in the
environment, and circumstances over which they have no control. Their focus
results in blaming and accusing attitudes,reactive language, and increased
feelings of victimization. The negative energy generated by that focus,
combined with neglect in areas they could do something about, causes their Circle
of Influence to shrink.''
''It is inspiring to realize that
in choosing our response to circumstance, we powerfully affect our
circumstance. When we change one part of the chemical formula, we change the
nature of the results.''
''The Circle of Concern is filled
with the have's
'I'll be happy when I have
my house paid off.'
'If only I had a boss who
wasn't such a dictator.'
'If only I had a more
patient husband.'…..
The Circle of Influence is filled
with the be's -- I can be more patient, be wise, be loving.''
''If I have a problem in my
marriage, what do I really gain by continually confessing my wife's sins? By
saying I'm not responsible, I make myself a powerless victim; I immobilize myself
in a negative situation. I also diminish my ability to influence her -- my
nagging, accusing, critical attitude only makes her feel validated in her own
weakness. My criticism is worse than the conduct I want to correct. My ability
to positively impact the situation withers and dies. If I really want to
improve my situation, I can work on the one thing over which I have control --
myself. I can stop trying to shape up my wife and work on my own weaknesses. I
can focus on being a great marriage partner, a source of unconditional love and
support. Hopefully, my wife will feel the power of proactive example and
respond in kind. But whether she does or doesn't, the most positive way I can
influence my situation is to work on myself, on my being.''
''Sometimes the most proactive thing we can do is to be happy, just to genuinely
smile. Happiness, like unhappiness,
is a proactive choice. There are things, like the weather, that our Circle
of Influence will never include. But as proactive people, we can carry our own
physical or social weather with us. We
can be happy and accept those things that at present we can't control, while we
focus our efforts on the things that we can.''
''While we are free to choose our
actions, we are not free to choose the consequences of those actions.
Consequences are governed by natural law….We can decide to step in front of a
fast-moving train, but we cannot decide what will happen when the train hits
us.''
''Our behavior is governed by
principles. Living in harmony with them brings positive consequences; violating
them brings negative consequences. We are free to choose our response in any
situation, but in doing so, we choose the attendant consequence. ‘When we pick
up one end of the stick, we pick up the other.’ ''
''It is not what others do or even our own mistakes that hurt us the
most; it is our response to those things. Chasing after the poisonous snake
that bites us will only drive the poison through our entire system. It is far
better to take measures immediately to get the poison out.Our response to
any mistake affects the quality of the next moment. It is important to immediately
admit and correct our mistakes so that they have no power over that next moment
and we are empowered again.''
''I would challenge you to test the
principle of proactivity for 30 days. Simply try it and see what happens. For
30 days work only in your Circle of Influence. Make small commitments and keep
them. Be a light, not a judge. Be a
model, not a critic. Be part of the solution, not part of the problem.''
''Try it in your marriage, in your
family, in your job. Don't argue for other people's weaknesses. Don't argue for
your own. When you make a mistake, admit it, correct it, and learn from it
-immediately. Don't get into a blaming, accusing mode. Work on things you have control over. Work on you. On be.''
''Look at the weaknesses of others with compassion, not accusation. It's
not what they're not doing or should be doing that's the issue. The issue is
your own chosen response to the situation and what you should be doing. If you
start to think the problem is "out there," stop yourself. That
thought is the problem.''
''Knowing that we are responsible –
‘response-able’ -- is fundamental to effectiveness.''
''In your mind's eye, see yourself
going to the funeral parlor or chapel…As you walk down to the front of the room
and look inside the casket, you suddenly come face to face with yourself. This
is your funeral, three years from today. All these people have come to honor
you, to express feelings of love and appreciation for your life. Now
think deeply. What would you like each of these speakers to say about you and your
life? What kind of husband, wife, father, or mother would you like their words
to reflect? What kind of son or daughter or cousin? What kind of friend? What
kind of working associate? What character would you like them to have seen in
you? What contributions, what achievements would you want them to remember?
Look carefully at the people around you. What difference would you like to have
made in their lives?''
‘’How different our lives are
when we really know what is deeply important to us, and, keeping that picture
in mind, we manage ourselves each day to be and to do what really matters most.
If the ladder is not leaning against the right wall, every step we take just gets
us to the wrong place faster. We may be very busy, we may be very efficient,
but we will also be truly effective only when we Begin with the End in Mind.’’
''If you want to have a successful
enterprise, you clearly define what you're trying to accomplish. You carefully
think through the product or service you want to provide in terms of your
market target, then you organize all the elements ꟷ financial, research and
development, operations, marketing, personnel, physical facilities, and so on ꟷ
to meet that objective. The extent to which you Begin with the End in Mind
often determines whether or not you are able to create a successful enterprise.
Most business failures begin in the first creation, with problems such as under
capitalization, misunderstanding of the market, or lack of a business plan.''
''If you want to raise responsible,
self-disciplined children, you have to keep that end clearly in mind as you
interact with your children on a daily basis. You can't behave toward them in
ways that undermine their self-discipline or self-esteem.''
''Real success is success with self. It’s not in having things, but in
having mastery, having victory over self.''
''Inevitably, anytime we are too
vulnerable we feel the need to protect ourselves from further wounds. So we
resort to sarcasm, cutting humor, criticism ꟷ anything that will keep from
exposing the tenderness within. Each partner tends to wait on the initiative of
the other for love, only to be disappointed but also confirmed as to the
rightness of the accusations made.''
''When my sense of personal worth comes from my net worth, I am
vulnerable to anything that will affect that net worth.''
''If my sense of security lies in
my reputation or in the things I have, my life will be in a constant state of
threat and jeopardy that these possessions may be lost or stolen or devalued.
If I'm in the presence of someone of greater net worth or fame or status, I
feel inferior. If I'm in the presence of someone of lesser net worth or fame or
status, I feel superior. My sense of self-worth constantly fluctuates. I don't
have any sense of constancy or anchorage or persistent selfhood. I am constantly
trying to protect and insure my assets, properties, securities, position, or
reputation. We have all heard stories of people committing suicide after losing
their fortunes in a significant stock decline or their fame in a political
reversal.''
''Too many vacations that last too long, too many movies, too much TV,
too much video game playing ꟷ
too much undisciplined leisure time in which a person continually takes the
course of least resistance ꟷ gradually
wastes a life. It ensures that a person's capacities stay dormant, that
talents remain undeveloped, that the mind and spirit become lethargic and that
the heart is unfulfilled. Where is the security, the guidance, the wisdom, and
the power? At the low end of the continuum, in the pleasure of a fleeting moment.''
''Correct principles do not change. We can depend on them. Principles
don't react to anything. They won't divorce us or run away with our best
friend. They aren't out to get us. They can't pave our way with shortcuts and
quick fixes. They don't depend on the behavior of others, the environment,or
the current fad for their validity. Principles don't die. They aren't here one
day and gone the next. They can't be destroyed by fire, earthquake, or theft.
Principles are deep, fundamental truths, classic truths, generic common
denominators. They are tightly interwoven threads running with exactness, consistency,
beauty, and strength through the fabric of life.''
''The personal power that comes
from Principle-Centered Living is the power of a selfaware, knowledgeable,
proactive individual, unrestricted by the attitudes, behaviors, and actions of
others or by many of the circumstances and environmental influences that limit other
people.''
''And the more we know of correct principles, the greater is our personal
freedom to act wisely. By centering our lives on timeless, unchanging
principles, we create a fundamental paradigm of effective living.''
''See the world in terms of what you can do for the world and its people…
Adopt a proactive lifestyle,
seeking to serve and build others…
Interpret all of life's experiences in terms of opportunities for
learning and
contribution…''
‘’we detect rather than invent
our missions in life….I think each of us has an internal monitor or sense, a
conscience, that gives us an awareness of our own uniqueness and the singular
contributions that we can make.’’
Question 1: What one thing could you do (you aren't doing now) that if
you did on a regular basis, would make a tremendous positive difference in your
personal life?
Question 2: What one thing in your business or professional life would
bring similar results?
Effective management is putting
first things first. While leadership decides what ‘first things’ are, it is
management that puts them first, day-by-day, moment-by-moment.Management is
discipline, carrying it out.
Discipline derives from disciple ꟷ
disciple to a philosophy, disciple to a set of principles,disciple to a set of
values, disciple to an overriding purpose….if you are an effective manager of
your self, your discipline comes from within; it is a function of your
independent will. You are a disciple, a follower, of your own deep values and
their source. And you have the will, the integrity, to subordinate your
feelings, your impulses, your moods to those values.
''The successful person has the habit of doing the things failures don't
like to do,….They don't like doing them either necessarily. But their disliking
is subordinated to the strength of their purpose.''
''The challenge is not to manage time, but to manage ourselves.''
''Urgent matters are usually
visible. They press on us; they insist on action. They're often popular with
others. They're usually right in front of us. And often they are pleasant, easy,
fun to do. But so often they are unimportant! Importance, on the other hand,
has to do with results. If something is important, it contributes to your
mission, your values, your high priority goals.''
''Effective personal management…
deals with things that are not urgent, but are important. It deals with things
like building relationships, writing a personal mission statement, long-range
planning, exercising, preventive maintenance, preparation ꟷ all
those things we know we need to do, but somehow seldom get around to doing,
because they aren't urgent.''
''Your effectiveness would increase dramatically. Your crises and
problems would shrink to manageable proportions because you would be thinking
ahead, working on the roots, doing the preventive things that keep situations
from developing into crises in the first place.''
‘’Keep in mind that you are
always saying ‘no’ to something. If it isn't to the apparent,urgent things in
your life, it is probably to the more fundamental, highly important things.
Even when the urgent is good, the good can keep you from your best, keep you from
your unique contributions, if you let it.’’
''Many people seem to think that success in one area can compensate for
failure in other areas of life. But can it really? Perhaps it can for a limited
time in some areas. But can success in your profession compensate for a broken
marriage, ruined health, or weakness in personal character? True effectiveness
requires balance.''
''Organize your life to the best of your ability in harmony with your
deepest values.''
''Many people refuse to delegate to
other people because they feel it takes too much time and effort and they could
do the job better themselves. But effectively delegating to others is perhaps
the single most powerful high-leverage activity there is…..A producer can
invest one hour of effort and produce one unit of results, assuming no loss of
efficiency. A manager, on the other hand, can invest one hour of effort and produce
10 or 50 or 100 units through effective delegation. Management is essentially moving
the fulcrum over, and the key to effective management is delegation.''
''Stewardship delegation is focused
on results instead of methods. It gives people a choice of method and makes
them responsible for results. It takes more time in the beginning, but it's
time well invested. You can move the fulcrum over, you can increase your leverage,
through stewardship delegation….Create a clear, mutual understanding of what
needs to be accomplished, focusing on what, not how; results, not methods.
Spend time. Be patient. Visualize the desired result. Have the person see it,
describe it, make out a quality statement of what the results will look like,
and by when they will be accomplished.''
''Organize your next week. Start by
writing down your roles and goals for the week,then transfer the goals to a
specific action plan. At the end of the week, evaluate how well your plan
translated your deep values and purposes into your daily life and the degree of
integrity you were able to maintain to those values and purposes.''
''You can't be successful with other people if you haven't paid the price
of success with yourself….Self-mastery and self-discipline are the foundation
of good relationships with others.''
''If you don't know yourself, if you don't control yourself, if you don't
have mastery over yourself, it's very hard to like yourself, except in some
short-term,psych-up, superficial way. Real self-respect comes from dominion
over self, from true independence….. Independence is an
achievement.Interdependence is a choice only independent people can make.
Unless we are willing to achieve real independence, it's foolish to try to
develop human-relations skills.''
‘’The most important ingredient
we put into any relationship is not what we say or what we do, but what we are.
And if our words and our actions come from superficial human relations techniques
(the personality ethic) rather than from our own inner core (the character
ethic), others will sense that duplicity. We simply won't be able to create and
sustain the foundation necessary for effective interdependence.’’
''The little kindnesses and courtesies are so important. Small
discourtesies, little unkindnesses, little forms of disrespect make large
withdrawals [ of trust from emotional bank account]. In relationships, the little
things are the big things.''
‘’Lack of integrity can undermine
almost any other effort to create high trust accounts.People can seek to
understand, remember the little things, keep their promises, clarify and
fulfill expectations, and still fail to build reserves of trust if they are
inwardly duplicitous.’’
''It is the weak who are cruel.
Gentleness can only be expected from the strong.''
''It is one thing to make a
mistake, and quite another thing not to admit it. People will forgive mistakes,
because mistakes are usually of the mind, mistakes of judgment. But people will
not easily forgive the mistakes of the heart, the ill intention, the bad
motives, the prideful justifying cover-up of the first mistake.''
‘’When parents see their children's problems as opportunities to build
the relationship instead of as negative, burdensome irritations, it totally
changes the nature of parent- child interaction. Parents become more
willing, even excited, about deeply understanding and helping their children.
When a child comes to them with a problem, instead of thinking, ‘Oh, no! Not
another problem!’ their paradigm is, ‘Here is a great opportunity for me to
really help my child and to invest in our relationship.’ Many interactions change
from transactional to transformational, and strong bonds of love and trust are created
as children sense the value parents give to their problems and to them as individuals.’’
''We have such a tendency to rush
in, to fix things up with good advice. But we often fail to take the time to
diagnose, to really, deeply understand the problem first. If I were to
summarize in one sentence the single most important principle I have learned in
the field of interpersonal relations, it would be this: Seek First to
Understand, Then to Be Understood. This principle is the key to effective
interpersonal communication.''
''If you want to interact
effectively with me, to influence me ꟷ your spouse, your child, your
neighbor, your boss, your coworker, your friend ꟷ you first need to understand
me. And you can't do that with technique alone. If I sense you're using some
technique, I sense duplicity, manipulation. I wonder why you're doing it, what
your motives are. And I don't feel safe enough to open myself up to you. The
real key to your influence with me is your example, your actual conduct. Your example
flows naturally out of your character, of the kind of person you truly are –
not what others say you are or what you may want me to think you are. It is
evident in how I actually experience you. Your character is constantly
radiating, communicating. From it, in the long run, I come to instinctively
trust or distrust you and your efforts with me.''
''Satisfied needs do not motivate. It's only the unsatisfied need that
motivates.''
‘’Although it's risky and hard,
seek first to understand, or diagnose before you prescribe, is a correct
principle manifesting many areas of life. It's the mark of all true
professionals. It's critical for the optometrist, it's critical for the
physician. You wouldn't have any confidence in a doctor's prescription unless
you had confidence in the diagnosis.’’
''An effective salesperson first seeks to understand the needs, the
concerns, the situation of the customer. The amateur salesman sells products; the
professional sells solutions to needs and problems. It's a totally different
approach. The professional learns how to diagnose, how to understand. He also
learns how to relate people's needs to his products and services. And, he has
to have the integrity to say, "My product or service will not meet that
need" if it will not.''
''Often when people are really
given the chance to open up, they unravel their own problems and the solutions become
clear to them in the process.At other times, they really need additional
perspective and help. The key is to genuinely seek the welfare of the
individual, to listen with empathy, to let the person get to the problem and
the solution at his own pace and time. Layer upon layer -- it's like peeling an
onion until you get to the soft inner core.''
''The more deeply you understand other people, the more you will
appreciate them, the more reverent you will feel about them. To touch the soul
of another human being is to walk on holy ground.''
''Seek first to understand. Before
the problems come up, before you try to evaluate and prescribe, before you try
to present your own ideas ꟷ seek to understand. It's a powerful habit of effective interdependence.
When we really, deeply understand each other, we open the door to creative
solutions and Third Alternatives. Our differences are no longer stumbling
blocks to communication and progress. Instead, they become the stepping stones
to synergy.''
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